20890616-A887-4783-9C5D-E77B959ABDE2So, we’re starting to move forward with the FET and not surprisingly it’s gotten me tied up in knots.  It’s such a huge step.  I feel as if I’ve opened a Pandora’s Box of carefully packed-away emotions – ok not so carefully packed away.  I jammed them all in a too-small, crumpled box, sat on the lid to shut it, and shoved the box under my bed next to the clothes I can’t fit in yet…um, anymore.

I had a running pros and cons list in my mind as I tried to decide whether I was ready to fully commit to doing this.  J, my wise husband who clearly knows me SO well, told me I can’t make a long math equation for a decision like this of all the convoluted factors I think up and expect a clear “yes” or “no” to be at the end (This is SO much how I deal with many life events that a lot of me wanted to say, “Um, why not?”).  How he knew I was doing that exact thing baffles me.  He said that most of the factors I come up with are just assumptions that don’t even necessarily turn out to be true, and that I’m trying to control things too much.  (Yeah, maybe.)  That I just need to DECIDE and then happily and with commitment do whichever I have chosen.  Wow.  I’m kind of impressed by him.

I thought if I made a list of my fears I might be able to move forward a little better.  This doesn’t count as a pros/cons list or equation, right?

  • I’m afraid of giving over my body to being pregnant again.  I am only barely getting to a place now where I can sometimes feel pretty again.  I worry a little about slowly gaining weight with each pregnancy, never losing it, and then sliding down a slippery slope to dowdy-dome (hmm, that’s not a real word?).  I know this fear is trivial, but it’s there, nonetheless.
  • I worry that it will be too much for me to deal with a not-yet 2 year-old and a newborn.  It’s going to be insanely hard for awhile.  Faustin isn’t the most low-maintenance, mellow guy around.  He’s very active, persistent, and demanding.  He’s a force – and he’s not even a toddler yet.  Since J is the breadwinner right now, most of that just has to fall to me.  I have to be able to take it on without getting angry and bitter or it is going to seriously hurt our marriage.
  • I worry if the delay of having another baby will hurt my nascent possible career of teaching.  I’ve begun a relationship with a university and am teaching there as an adjunct.  There’s a chance that it might become a faculty position.  It would be an amazing fit for me – and for our family – and I don’t want to screw that up.
  • I’m afraid of having to give birth again.  I don’t have SO much faith in my body’s ability to do that well.  I’m daunted by the idea of having to decide between a VBAC and another c-section.  I’m pretty afraid of tearing.
  • I’m really afraid of breastfeeding not going well again.
  • I’m afraid of the sorrow if it doesn’t work.  That will probably be our last chance to add to our family, and we’ll have only one child if this embryo doesn’t make it.  There are pros to that – more resources (money, time, and attention) – for Faustin, and of course I’m incredibly lucky and grateful to have HIM, but there will, of course, be loss, too.
  • I’m pretty afraid to step back into the whole fertility treatment-hoping to get pregnant state of mind again.  It feels SO much better (though isn’t always possible) to just pretend that’s all behind me.  Having the memory of being that infertile woman – of that brutal roller coaster of hope/fear and loss/sorrow is one thing.  Having to experience it again – waiting for that damn phone call after beta AGAIN – I’m pretty damn petrified of that.

But then, we have this one little embryo – this possible sister or brother to Faustin.  This possible kid who can take family naps with us, sing in the car with us, and joke around at the table with us.  I guess that’s why you can’t make a math equation for this situation, because how on earth do you quantify that?

– Patience