Ok, I’m not promising a well-written or even a coherent post here. I’m just dealing with a lot right now and have nowhere – other than my super supportive Twitter community, that is – to go with this. I just got off the phone with my sister, who after prefacing with “I need to tell you something, but don’t get mad, ok?” told me that she got pregnant around last Thanksgiving and had an abortion. She slept with some random guy she went out with just a couple of times, they used a condom, but it slipped off. She had an abortion at seven weeks.
I know she was afraid to tell me because she was worried about hurting me. Hell, she kept that awful experience to herself for 6 months. She was waiting until things with my baby looked good before sharing it with me, and said how relieved she felt to finally tell me about it. It helped me hugely that she said she was angry at the irony of it all. I was able to tell her I was sorry she had to go through that, that she shouldn’t beat herself up for it because it could happen to anyone (well, not to me, clearly), and that I wished I could have been there for her. She didn’t have the money at the time for the abortion and her friend paid for it. Because she felt bad about taking the money, she didn’t want to add on the extra $150 to be put under. She said she also felt like she deserved the pain for getting herself in that situation. My poor scarred, alone, stoic sister.
But I still have to say, “What the fuck kind of twisted sense of humor do you have, Universe (or whoever the fuck)?” My sister is 35, has smoked like a chimney for years, done tons of drugs, NEVER WANTS KIDS, and actually didn’t really think she COULD get pregnant because of an infection she got after surgery on her cervix years ago. And she got pregnant after one random fuck????!!!!! I had my eggs harvested FOUR TIMES, carefully injected with the best looking sperm in a petri dish, delicately placed back into a cushy lining and STILL no pregnancy.
Of course, hearing this unexpected news is like ripping a scab off a deep wound. I have really, truly come to terms with using donor eggs to get pregnant – as much as anyone can, I think. No one CHOOSES that over using your own eggs, after all. I adore my baby already and know he’ll be all mine, but for a moment it seems like it SHOULD be possible for me to have my own biological child, because SHE can. I can’t help but wonder, what happened to fuck up MY body? Why does hers work and not mine? It is how it is, though, right? I have a dimpled chin and freckles while my sister doesn’t. I’m left-handed and my sister isn’t. Hell, I have two cystic fibrosis mutations and my sister doesn’t. My sister has regular periods and I don’t. My sister can get pregnant with her own eggs and I can’t. So there you go. Let it go.
I’m so unbelievably, completely depleted. DH is back in Louisiana, waiting with his family in the hospital for his mother to pass on. He needs me to be doing well and to be strong for him, so when he called I pretended I was fine, of course. I just feel so alone. This all is so fucked up. I know that’s not the most articulate thing to say, but that’s how I feel. I want to just be happy and thankful and to relish with my husband the fact that I have a healthy baby boy wriggling around inside me. It just seems like every day now something huge and overwhelming pops up to distract from that. Not just your normal everyday stresses, either. Big, ugly drain-you-of-everything-you’ve-got stresses.
I’m meeting with a woman this evening who might be my doula (shit, in an hour – I’d better shower and do something with my tear-blotched face). Hopefully, that will help me focus on all that I have to be thankful for, so I can forget all that isn’t fair and all that might or should or could have been if things were just a little different. Please let me just be able to focus on my baby-to-be for awhile. Just let me focus on being blissfully pregnant, like I’ve dreamed of being for so many years. I fucking deserve that you mother fucking asshole sadist Universe fucker!