Ok, I began writing this post as a detailed run-down on what happened today at transfer, but I’m not really interested in that right now.  To sum up, we did a 3 day transfer of two stunning embryos – one 8 cell and one  7 cell.  The embryologist said they both look beautiful (I’m deciding that the 7 cell slacker has caught up to 8 cells by now, because he’s so relaxed and comfy in my ‘robust’ uterine lining).  I see tiny bubbles around one of them, but what do I know;  I’m not an embryologist.  The embryology lab is watching our other ones to see if any of them can make it to freeze.  I’m not holding my breath.  They did say they have about a 66% success rate with donor cycles at my clinic, so I’m desperately holding onto that.

What I’d much rather focus on is how to get through the next two weeks with my (and by extension my husband’s) sanity.  The problem is that after having had SO many failed cycles, there’s a huge part of me that believes I’m just doomed to be unlucky with this whole getting pregnant thing.  I need some serious strategies in place, and I need all your help.  To make this challenge even tougher, I work from home and have no actual plan to see anyone (other than my therapist, once) or do anything in particular for those two weeks.  I have some work to do, but I’m the only one driving that – no one will be breathing down my neck or checking in – and none of it is urgent.  I could have entire days of pajama clad despondency if the mood takes me.  Sounds deadly, right?  At least I’ve sworn off googling IVF and pregnancy related topics (yes, I’m sticking to that one, Tweeps).  But that sounds like a recipe for disaster, doesn’t it?

In many ways, this 2ww is going to be tougher than my previous ones.  The first one was a serious long-shot, because we had such crap embryos.  It was hard, but the real pain was mostly just quick and brutal at the day of transfer.  The BFN wasn’t really a huge surprise.  I’m not going to go through all my many 2ww’s and BFNs, because that’s too boring and kind of a bummer…but this wait is especially tough because:

1.  We spent so much money on this donor cycle that it’s pretty huge if it doesn’t work AND we have no frozen embryos for another transfer.

2.  If I can’t get pregnant even with donor eggs I’m afraid that it’s going to be REALLY hard for me not to believe that it’s just impossible to impregnate me.

3.  My beta is 2 days before my 39th birthday.  I just don’t know that I have it in me to not have a TOTAL meltdown on that day if we get a BFN, and that would be really tough on DH.  I don’t want him to have to deal with that, because he’s a really good guy and it would kind of break his heart.

The stakes are just SO high.  I need a plan.  I want to focus on what’s going to distract me, make me laugh, and pass the time.

Currently, it’s actually helpful referring to the embies as buddies of mine who are hanging out with me, doing whatever I’m doing.  The Embies and I want something funny to watch on TV.  The Embies and I think we deserve some more milk and cookies.  The Embies and I got bored with “No Strings Attached” two-thirds of the way through.  Hey, I know it’s lame, but it’s kinda actually helping.

Any other mind tricks, games, distractions, super funny shows, etc. that have helped you guys.  Send ’em my way.  I could reorganize my sock drawer again, but that doesn’t eat up that much time.  I need help.  Seriously.

– Patience

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