They say IF and IVF is like a roller coaster.  There really is no more apt metaphor, except perhaps a never-ending session of cruel and sadistic torture.

So, I initially told the nurses at my clinic that, to avoid unnecessary anxiety, I wanted only general updates about the donor’s progress.  No follicle counts necessary.  Of course, the first nurse who called (not surprisingly, Nurse Dumb Ass from my previous post) ignored that note in my file and gave me follicle numbers.  There were 14.  When a different nurse called after the next ultrasound, she didn’t give me a total, but it seemed about the same.  She said it was looking very good.

I wouldn’t have thought to ask for no egg retrieval numbers, however.  And that’s what caused the biggest, stomach -in-your-mouth dip.  They ended up retrieving 32 eggs, which seemed crazy large – especially since that’s more than double the initial follicle counts.  So, there I was thinking that we had a ton of eggs, a nice, safe cushion.  For that half of a day I felt blissfully secure for once.  I should know by now, as an IVF veteran, that the IVF gods don’t like you to feel secure.  They see you relax and that’s when they zap ya.

Today I got the fertilization report.  Of the 32, 29 were mature, but of those 29 only 10 fertilized.  Since I had repeated fertilization problems with my own eggs (retrieving 7-9 usually, and 1-4 fertilizing) a surprisingly low fertilization report was really not what my fragile peace of mind needed.  Dh’s sperm had been tested, so what the fuck?  I was in a bad way just after getting that call – trying to make sense of it, imagining that there was another underlying problem that was going to doom the 10 embryos we have, etc.  Dh said he wasn’t going to let me off the phone until I popped a valium.  So I did.

The thing is, if they had just said things were going well during the cycle – no other information – and then told me that we had 10 embryos – or even waited until transfer day to tell me how many of whatever grade we actually had – I’d be skipping all this angst.  What good does all that information do?  Why do I need to know the number of eggs retrieved, since that doesn’t have anything to do with the amount of healthy embryos we end up with?  If there’s nothing you can do about it, the more you can be in blissful, hopeful ignorance the better, in my opinion (especially after having weathered 4 IVFs and part of a DEIVF).  I guess clinics give us all that information because we’re paying customers, and we need to know they’re doing their job, but I seriously think it does more harm than good.  I only know that 10 out of 29 eggs fertilized.  I don’t know any of the details about those eggs.  I don’t know if they were just harvesting those new eggs as a long-shot, but that the initial 14 were more likely to do well.  I only know enough to make myself miserable.

Hopefully all those extra eggs were just no-good latecomers who popped up to crash my good eggs’ party.  If I focus back on the initial 14 follicle count, 10 embryos aren’t too bad.  I’m just praying that we have some good, healthy ones in there.  I’m hoping hard that we have two blasts to transfer and a few healthy embryos to freeze.  But I’ll take any combination that gives me a baby.  Please, please, please.  I want off this fucking roller coaster.

– Patience