Ok, so there are two distinct voices in my head these days.  One is hopeful and excited about this cycle, and the other is wounded, jaded, and guarded because of the repeated failures of the past several years.  For awhile the negative one (let’s call her Nelly) was laying low.  The positive one, Penny, was blithely daydreaming and happily counting the days until transfer.  Now, not surprisingly, as we get closer to crucial days in the cycle, Nelly is acting up (the little bitch).

This is what they’re saying:

Penny:  There really is no reason why this DEIVF won’t work.  The problem was with was my eggs, and we’re not using them anymore.

Nelly:  Yeah, well, you can think that.  There wasn’t any reason to think an IUI wouldn’t work at the time, was there?  Or the first couple of IVFs?  Then, SURPRISE!  Suddenly you find out your eggs are crap.  Who woulda thought, right?  You weren’t even that old when you started ttc.  Who knows, there might be some other awful thing YOU JUST DON’T KNOW!  It might even be completely outside the ability of reproductive science to test for.

Penny:  But everything else has checked out fine, and they’ve been pretty damn thorough.  I’ve had multiple hysteroscopies and sonohysterosalpingograms (or whatever they’re called) PLUS TWO endometrial biopsies, for God’s sake!  My uterus has always looked great and developed a beautiful lining.

Nelly:  Yeah, that’s true…But hey, what about DH’s sperm?  They THINK it looks fine, and he had that SCSA thingie done, but they don’t REALLY know how to test sperm completely, do they?  Maybe there’s something wrong there that they don’t even have the capacity to understand yet?  You just never know.  I’m just trying to protect you from disappointment.  It’s important to keep these things in mind.

Penny:  But we had hope before and our odds of success were WAY lower than they are now.  Maybe even only 10%.  Now, with a PROVEN donor who also has her own baby, we have way more reason to hope.  It’s almost SILLY not to be hopeful.  Maybe the odds are OVER 60% with a donor like we have.

Nelly:  You know it doesn’t work that way.  There’s a 50/50 chance they’ll not stick NO MATTER WHAT.  It’s simply misguided thinking to hang your hat on irrelevant information.  It could JUST NOT WORK, and you might never know why.  It may be that 10 to 20 years down the line they’ll have the scientific knowledge for real answers, but it’ll be too late for you.

Penny:  But, I’ve paid my dues and put in my time.  It’s my turn.  It’s gotta work now.  I deserve for it to work this time.

Nelly:  You poor, irrational thing!  You know by now, don’t you, that there isn’t any kind of cosmic justice?  You’ve seen how other women have suffered repeatedly – good women who’ve done their best and struggled hard – women who you’d think would have suffered fuckin’ enough already and who DESERVED to finally have their baby.  There is no “DESERVE” when it comes to ttc.  It’s all randomness.  And sometimes randomness can be cruel.

Penny:  Well, fuck you!  I’m going to choose to be hopeful, anyway!  I’ll deal with the pain and disappointment at the time if it doesn’t work.  We’ll likely have some embryos frozen, anyway, so even if this transfer doesn’t work, we can easily and cheaply do another transfer.  It’s SUPER unlikely that I won’t be pregnant after two transfers.  And that can happen without too much delay.

Nelly:  Hmmm, I dunno.  It seems like odd, surprising things have popped up in your ttc history.  I wouldn’t count on having anything to freeze.  You’ve just had very bad luck, so it’s risky to hope for anything like that.  And you know, your donor might get in a car accident and not even be able to come do the retrieval at all.

Penny:  You’re just SEARCHING for things to worry about, now!  Why shouldn’t I focus on the positive, be happy, excited, and optimistic until there’s real, concrete reason NOT to?  I don’t have to be miserable ahead of time!  What good does it do me?  Why draw out the pain and suffering?

Nelly:  Well…ok, go ahead.  It seems pretty risky to me, though.  I just don’t want you to be devastated.

– Patience