I’m waiting for my new charm pendants to arrive in the mail.  I got one that says “L’esperance me soutient” (hope sustains me ) with an anchor on it, and a tiny mother sea turtle pendant (thanks to Plum and Posy and Hint on Etsy).  The superstitious part of me feels like I have to mix things up this time so that I get a different result from all our other attempts.  Of course, the rational part of me knows that the shift to younger, healthy eggs is the one thing that’ll (hopefully) make the difference (I’m not a total wack-job), but what the hell.

The past couple of days I’ve become increasingly aware of my wish that there was something I could DO to help make it work this time.  I felt an itch to search “how to prepare your body for a DE IVF cycle” on the internet.  I was wishing there was some diet or tea or yoga pose that could push the odds in our favor.  I really think it’s that frustrated desire to help things along that gets funneled into my desire for these magic charms.  Believe me, I’ve had it rammed into my consciousness by now that this is completely out of my control.  The embryos will either stick around or they won’t.  It won’t really matter whether I get acupuncture, cut out sugar completely, meditate once a day or not.  They’re either healthy embryos or they’re not.  But being passive is just not fun.  I’m not very good at it.

I’m fine most of the time these days.  Still mostly hopeful and productive on other fronts.  It’s the moment when I relax in bed at the end of the day.  Then the fear and sadness creep in a little.  The knowledge that it might not work, the discomfort of it being out of my control.  I expressed this to J last night, and he was very sweet.  It’s interesting, because his response is often “We have to remember we’re doing our best.”  I guess that thought is comforting to him, but it does nothing for me.  It drives me crazy that our “doing our best” makes no difference at all in the end.  All we can do is wait and hope.

– Patience