So, I finally heard from the nurse manager at our clinic, and luckily she responded to my concerns in a really receptive and professional way.  I guess our donor egg coordinator was getting overwhelmed by her workload.  She’s new to the position, and it sounds like she needs a little more supervision and support.  The manager also explained how their clinic protocol could have made her slip-up possible.  They keep the donor’s file and my file completely separate, and never have one opened when they’re talking to the other person.  This prevents accidental slip-ups revealing anything about either’s identity.  Now, this isn’t an excuse by any means, but understanding this makes her mistake a little less troubling to me.  I can see how it could have happened.  The manager also told me that once my donor gets her next period and we begin the cycle in earnest, we move under the supervision of the IVF nurses anyway.  So, that’s all reassuring.

I have an appointment with my therapist today to hopefully stop my Zoloft completely.  I think I’ve been doing pretty well on the lowest dose, so it’ll be interesting to see how I do with nothing at all.  I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a little period of adjustment, especially where my sleep is concerned.  I’ve been paying attention, though, and I think I generally feel pretty happy.  I’ve been falling asleep easily, and seem to be able to get myself to recover and relax after stressful incidents.  I wonder if I somehow just didn’t know how to do that very well before.  That’s definitely something I want to teach my children.  I think it’s probably often overlooked.  Stressful and anxiety-producing events just happen in life, and the earlier a kid knows how to recognize those feelings and work on self-soothing, the better.

I got a little down on Saturday.  I’m incredibly happy to be home and not traveling, but it’s really tough to be working from home and not having much contact with people during the day.  I just got this feeling of pointlessness.  I have things on my to-do list, and I have actual work to do, but I suddenly felt that most of it is just busywork – that it could happen today or tomorrow or the day after.  It’s also not easy not having a reason to get dressed and look decent during the day.  On the one hand, it’s nice to be able to stay in your yoga pants all day, but it’s not great for my self esteem (or my diet).  I think this feeling of pointlessness partly stems from my impatience to be doing the work that really feels important to me right now – mothering.  I feel like I’m just marking time until then.

Sunday I checked out a nearby Unitarian church and that helped me a lot.  One, it was nice to have a reason to try to look nice.  And coincidentally, the sermon really spoke to what I was grappling with.  It was all about learning to live your life with integrity and searching for the path to becoming your best self.  This quote really stuck with me, too:  “The spiritual quest is learning how to live more fully now”.  The more I think about any of these things, the more I think I should change careers and move to education.  Of course, my main drive right now is raising and teaching my own kid, but I know I would feel like I’m doing something important and fulfilling with my life if I were teaching.  It’s just that I need having a baby to be a catalyst for that transition.  Chucking my current career and completely starting over is too scary without that…it just is.  The thought of announcing that I’VE QUIT and refusing any incoming jobs without another career there to take it’s place – terrifying.

There was this other quote at the church service that struck me as being incredibly beautiful:  LISTEN AND LAY YOUR HEAD UNDER THE TREE OF AWE.  Stunning.  That’s what I need to remember:  if I can revel daily in the complicated beauty of life, I’m not just marking time until my baby arrives.

– Patience