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I’m sorry to have fallen off the face of the earth.  Work has been incredibly busy, and this is my first real day off in a long time.  It’s been good to have been so busy – and also out of town.  It’s taken my mind off everything we’ve been through recently.  I’ve been able to be more in touch with the professional, creative part of myself instead of just the not-so-stellar baby-making part.  It’s also given time for my subconscious to get used to my new reality:  I’m going to try to get pregnant through egg donation.  It doesn’t even seem so odd now.  Mostly, I feel excited and a little impatient.  I might actually have a baby in the near future.  Crazy.

We recently found and reserved our donor.  It was tough to find one we both really liked.  Somehow, I thought there would be more great donors in our city (which is packed with universities, after all).  We ended up picking one who lives clear across the country.  Not the most economical, but we had to find someone who was a good fit and who we both like.  The whole donor egg thing is so expensive (even WITH insurance coverage) that her travel and housing are kind of a drop in the huge DE IVF bucket.  I feel really good about our choice, and actually already feel pretty kindly towards her.  She’s very smart, intellectually curious, articulate, responsible, and has a really nice, lovely face.  She seems like a genuinely good person, which is comforting to me. There’s a part of me (a part hard to explain to my scientist husband) that feels like there’s more than genes passed down to a kid. Of course, I don’t know if that’s true, but I feel better working with someone who I feel has a kind, warm – soul.  Maybe temperament is a better word, but somehow I believe there’s more to it than that.  At any rate, she looks like someone I could be friends with and trust, and that’s a nice thing given the intimacy of our “relationship”.  We are trusting her with something pretty huge.

She doesn’t look a whole lot like me, but she’s not my opposite, either.  She has full lips and a straight, longer nose like I do. She’s not particularly big and tall, which is good.  She’s a believable combo of me and my husband, I think.  Best of all, though, is that she’s a 3 time proven donor and also has her own baby.  A compromise in eye color seemed worth that possible added bit of security.  I know it’s still a crapshoot, and that each cycle is different, but clearly she produces plenty of eggs and seems to respond well to medication.  Her day three test results were great, and she still needs to be screened by my clinic. We’ll see.  I’m hoping we’ll have a cycle in November.  Fingers crossed.

I still get bouts of sadness occasionally.  Whenever I see a family together, I automatically check to see the resemblance between the children and the parents.  The thought that my children will never “take after me” is sometimes tough to take. The intensity of that sadness is fading considerably, though.  It’s more mental than visceral now.

For awhile, I was thinking of taking J’s last name name to help me feel better about the whole DE thing.  I never did when we married. Would I feel better about not having a genetic connection to my kids if we were connected by the same family name? Would I feel less like the “odd man out?”  I toyed with it for awhile, but I don’t think I’m going to do it.  I’m almost 40, and my name is known professionally.  It seems too weird to change it so late in the game.  Then I was wondering if we should use my last name as the kids’ middle name.  Or could we pass my name on to a girl and J’s name on to a boy?  I haven’t shared that idea with him yet, so don’t know how it’d go over.  It’s hard to know if any of the name stuff will even feel important once I’ve carried, given birth to, breastfed and comforted my baby.  Who knows.

– Patience

PS:  Many, many thanks to everyone who gave me such support and comfort after my BFN.

About Me

My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for a little over three years now. We did three clomid cycles, two IUIs, and three IVFs. No luck. No baby. I have "unexplained infertility", but we seem to have a very low fertilization rate despite using ICSI. I recently had to quit a job (the second time this has happened) to make room for an upcoming IVF cycle, because I travel for work. It was daunting - and pretty depressing - to realize that the infertility was taking over my life in such a huge way. I decided I seriously needed some projects, so that I wasn't just spending my life waiting to be pregnant. This blog - documenting my attempt to not be a "Negative Nelly" - even in the face of PIO injections, endometrial biopsies, and yet another 2ww - is one of them.

About this blog

I'm using this blog to record my progress as I try out tools mentioned in Barbara Fredrikson's book "Positivity" along with stress management techniques I learn at the Mind-Body institute in my area (of course, with some random ramblings on the side). I started this blog to keep me at it, but also in the hopes that some of these tools might be helpful for other women coping with IF.

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