I had another ultrasound and blood draw this morning.  Trigger will either be tonight or tomorrow night.  I’ve got a couple of stragglers, so they have to decide whether to wait for them to catch up and risk losing my more mature eggs, or just go for it with what I’ve got.  I guess my E2 results help them decide that.

This cycle hasn’t exactly been a winner.  Even now, at day 10 of stims, it looks like I have only 5 or 6 eggs that are really in the running.  That’s almost half the number I’ve gotten in the other cycles.  I guess it all comes down to quality, though.  The last times, very few would fertilize.  If more fertilize this time, I’ll be thrilled, and the RE’s and their new approach will be vindicated.  If I’m left with nothing or one unpromising embryo to transfer, I’m going to be pretty pissed that they put me on the Pill for so many weeks.  So, we’ll see.

I’m less upset and more resigned to the situation than I was.  Or maybe I’m just too exhausted to be upset.  I think all the stress of the last couple of weeks has just worn me out.  I wake up tired every morning, and yesterday I was achey all over.  I haven’t felt that way since the last cycle failed, before I was on the Zoloft.  I booked myself a massage for tomorrow.  I figure I deserve it.

I’m really torn now about what to do if this cycle doesn’t work.  If it seems like they did over suppress me, it’ll be hard not to feel like it failed because of their error.  I had pretty much decided that this would be our last try with my eggs.  I’m tired, and I know J is, too.  It’s one thing to give up on my eggs if I feel like we’ve proven to ourselves that they’re just not going to work.  It’s another thing entirely if this cycle might have worked if they had done things a little differently.  But then again, can you play that game indefinitely…?  I just don’t know.

Think I’m going to take a nap.  On days like this I’m incredibly grateful to work from home.

– Patience