My body has done its now familiar trick of waking me up at 3am.  Since I’m wide awake and anxious anyway, I thought I’d take the opportunity to write a post.  Why not?  The thoughts will be swirling around in my head anyway, right?

On the whole, things aren’t going so great.  I’m sure my psychiatrist would say that statement comes from the fact that my new dose of Zoloft hasn’t kicked in yet, but from where I stand, things really, empirically aren’t looking so very good.  My life has been pretty overwhelming lately on a lot of fronts.

Front one:

I’ve realized that someone I work with (the person who strong-armed me into telling him I’m doing IVF, mentioned in previous post) really is a very unscrupulous, dishonest, ruthless person.  This person also happens to have all the power in our working relationship.  It’s pretty daunting to realize this.  I’m not a very strategic-minded person, and (crazy me) my actions are normally pretty guided by my internal moral compass.  This puts me at a serious disadvantage.  My only defense as I see it is to do my best not to make an enemy of him and to avoid interacting with him as much as possible.  It hasn’t been fun coming to this realization, though, and I foresee having some problems with him as our project unfolds.

Front two:

This cycle isn’t turning out to be exactly stellar.  Now, I know that doesn’t mean that it’s going to be a failure.  I know it doesn’t take a ton of eggs to get pregnant.  But I am producing fewer eggs this time, and with our fertilization problems, I have to accept the fact that it is possible we might have nothing at all to transfer, or might only have one or two unpromising embryos.  That, for me, will be even harder emotionally.  I do much better with something – even something negative – that is definitive, so I can move on and deal.  It’s going to be difficult, to say the least, to do PIO injections for two weeks to try to sustain a pregnancy I don’t at all believe in.

Front three:

Ok, this one is the worst.  J is having the pains in his legs again.  Of course, just because he had an MRI doesn’t mean the pains would magically go away.  He’s very anxious, though, despite finding nothing on the MRI.  I’m frightened, because I know how difficult MS is to diagnose.  I don’t feel confident that we’re out of the woods.  He has had a bunch of minor symptoms for awhile that, when I add them together, make me think that MS isn’t unlikely.  I know it’s all too easy to diagnose ourselves with tons of frightening diseases.  I’m trying not to go down that road, but the thought pops into my head sometimes.  I’m also trying hard not to imagine what our lives will become if he does become ill.

He’s not dealing with the anxiety in a way that’s easy to be around.  He won’t talk to me about it much, and won’t confide in me in a way that lets me comfort him.  No doubt he doesn’t want to let his guard down.  But the result is that he’s aloof and is angering really easily.  Meanwhile, I’m on some serious hormones, am not sleeping well, and need support myself these days.  It’s not a good combo.  Neither of us have the resources to be there for the other, so we’re fighting over stupid things (like who should take the recycling out mid-week if it starts to overflow) and mostly spending more time apart.

When my depression and associated anger around the IF got bad, J told me that I really needed to get help for the sake of our marriage and for our peace at home.  He said that I was angry all the time.  No doubt I was.  For awhile, I was consumed with such huge rage at the universe at the injustice of my not being able to have a baby.  The universe wasn’t around to vent at, but my husband was.  I’m thinking of saying the same thing to him – he needs to talk to someone for the sake of our peace at home.  I’ve been trying to get him to see a therapist for a long time, and he’s been frustratingly reluctant. He’s been dissatisfied with his job, no doubt has complicated feelings he can’t always share with me about our IF and the repeated IVFs, and now he’s consumed by anxiety that he’s got MS.  Um, I think he should talk to someone.

And here I am, creeping closer to retrieval, not knowing if it might be better not to have any eggs to fertilize.  If J has MS, should I worry about passing that on?  Should we just freeze any eggs we retrieve until we know for sure?  How long would it even take to get a definitive diagnosis?  You hear about people having undiagnosed MS-like symptoms for years.  No doubt, partly because of his fear, J refuses to go straight to an expert MS center, but wants to see a general neurologist instead.  Should I ask J if we should consider donor sperm if he still thinks there’s a real chance of his having MS?  I can’t imagine how hard it would be for him to hear that, when he’s in fear for himself.  Should I try to take comfort in the hope that treatment for MS – and IF – will likely be greatly improved in the next generation?  Are our genes worth passing on?  These are not comfortable thoughts to be having while in the middle of an IVF cycle.  It’s no wonder that my body is aching again…despite the Zoloft.

I miss the reality I knew before struggling with infertility.  Back then, I could never believe that something else bad could happen to us.  I had a deep seeded belief in some kind of cosmic justice.  If you have one huge challenge to deal with as a couple, surely you’ll be spared another difficult one.  Each life is burdened with only so much, right? Unfortunately, I don’t believe in that reality anymore.

The original purpose of this blog was for me to keep working consistently on finding positivity in my daily life.  To actively find ways to balance out the stress and pain of infertility.  I haven’t been doing a very good job of that lately.  I can’t quite imagine what relaxation trick is strong enough to deal with all of this, I guess.  I am breathing more, I’m meditating at least once a day, and I’m trying to remember to stretch.  I’m surrounding myself with beauty (I have a little bouquet of flowers by my injection station).  What else can I do to help me through this?

Ok, I guess I’m going to actively try to use affirmations.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS.  THIS TOO SHALL PASS.  THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

– Patience

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