Ok, so I took the job.  I know.  Just a few days ago I was so sure it was impossible and had resigned myself to perpetual unemployment.  Then I sat down and looked at the dates carefully.  The first deadline for the job isn’t until after I would know the outcome of two more IVF cycles. I realized I was planning my life around the very worst case scenario, and was so afraid to commit to a job because MAYBE I MIGHT not end up being able to travel when necessary.  The bottom line is, if I need to do cycle #6 then, or if I’m pregnant with twins and can’t fly, they’re just going to have to deal. That’s life, right?  Shit happens?  People get sick, or get pregnant, or have unforeseen medical procedures. Why should IVF be any different?  I’ll have to get someone to fill in for me if I can’t travel, that’s all, but I’m NOT postponing a cycle if it needs to happen.  In the corporate world it’s illegal to refuse a job to someone because they MAY get pregnant and it might become inconvenient to the company down the line.  The company has to figure out how to cope.  That’s part of supporting their employees’ right to also live a life.  Shouldn’t I be as protected even though I’m freelance?  There are a lot of scenarios where it all will work out fine, but there I was refusing myself a job just in case I might become incapacitated ten months from now. What’s up with that?

Overall, I’m feeling pretty good these days.  I had a stressful follow-up appointment with my RE (cranky know-it-all, ignorant nurse and defensive doctor), but that’s over.  I’ll hardly be seeing or talking to my RE anymore (we all know how that is), and I get a new nurse once I’m cycling.  I’m trying to focus on the changes that might give us a better outcome this time.  A new clinic, so a different lab for my embryos to hang out in (maybe they’ll like it better there – tastier snacks, better cable channels),  lower stress and anxiety levels because of the Zoloft, vitamin D (I’ve decided that’s the magic pill that’s gonna make ALL the difference…go placebo effect!), Metformin, and a much better support system.  Let’s hope that all adds up to healthy, happy eggs this time around.  All my fingers and toes are crossed, and I’m knocking on wood.

By now, I’ve accrued quite a collection of fertility totems.  I’ve got little carved wooden bunnies, frogs, and turtles next to my bed…the statue of some goddess and her baby I picked up in Vietnam, and I seem to be creating or collecting lots of images of eggs.  I know it sounds nuts, but when you’re not a particularly religious person, I guess you sometimes start to rely on superstitions.  I don’t REALLY believe in them, but sometimes I can’t help myself from reaching out to touch the head of that mother statue.  Maybe it’ll help…just a little.

We were working on affirmations in one of my mind-body sessions.  I’d write down a persistent negative thought, and then we’d think of a positive thought I could bring up as a response whenever that negative thought popped up.  Of course, my negative thought was something like “I’m never going to be able to have a baby.”  The therapist recommended as a positive answer, “I have faith that the baby that is meant for us will come at the right time.”  I told her that affirmation just wouldn’t work for me, because I DIDN’T have faith in that.  I don’t believe that anything is “meant to be.”  I don’t believe our future baby is floating around in another dimension somewhere.  I don’t think there’s any plan, or anyone running the show, no fate, no nothin’. Believe me, there have been times during the pain and disappointment of the last few years that I’ve really wished I could believe in something.  Random unfairness is no fun.  But you can’t just dig faith up when it’s convenient.  The only thing I have faith in is that my husband and I will have the fortitude to get through this.  I guess that’s no small thing.

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