…because I could really use a huge helping of sweet, starchy comfort food right now.  I’ve been a little down lately.  The past several days I’ve felt like I’ll be in this limbo baby-less state forever.  Other people will move on, but I’ll still be in this constant struggle to try to be hopeful and positive in the face of upsetting surprises, delays, emotional roller coasters, and setbacks.  I guess I should warn you now that at the moment this post doesn’t feel the most uplifting, but maybe I’ll be able to turn it around by the end.  My internal critic tells me that I don’t have cause to be so whiny – that so many women have had much larger disappointments and devastating losses.  I’m more in purgatory than hell right now.  I know that.

I’m just gonna get it out there, so I can move on:  I can’t believe that I’ll ever get a BFP.  I can’t imagine that I’ll even ever have an embryo get to blast.  I can’t imagine being lucky enough to have any embryos to freeze.  I’ll never have a baby shower.  I’m not going to have any friends, because everyone will have babies and want to hang out with other women-with-babies.  The tough thing is that this WAITING just feels like my reality, and like it’s never going to end.

I had a blow this morning that pushed me a little further down my descending spiral.  I got another job offer.  I know, sounds great right?  It’s on the west coast, it’s for next spring, and it’d be an exciting project.  I don’t see how I could possibly take it.  There’s just no way to know how many cycles we’re going to have to do.  At the beginning, before I was in the category of women who don’t have their 1st, 2nd, or even 3rd IVF work, I could imagine being able to take the job.  Now, who knows?  I could have to do my 6th cycle next April.  I’d be 39, so we wouldn’t want to delay, right?  The small, tenacious part of me trying hard to be positive thinks, “or you could be a month away from having your baby/babies, and you won’t want to be flying across the country”.  Either way, I guess that means my current career is over – but I don’t have motherhood to take its place, just infertilityhood.

Don’t get me wrong.  I have fully committed to this.  That’s why it’s clear that I can’t take the job.  There’s no stressful decision making, only sadness.  Because I don’t have anything to fill the gap that the job would have filled.  I’m making space for my baby, but that space is gapingly empty.  I’m trying hard to find ways to fill it in the meantime.  I’m studying for this teacher certification exam, I’m working on trying to transition from being a designer to being a teacher and artist (a transition I actually feel really good about), I’m finding opportunities to volunteer.  It’s something; not quite enough, but something.  Then this new job comes up, and makes it so apparent that this limbo state could be stretching out………for months…and months…It’s a little tough to not be overwhelmed by that.

At least my coping mechanisms are better than they used to be.  I recognized that things were getting harder for me, and saw that I need to rachet up my support.  Not surprisingly, I’ve kind of stopped meditating and have lapsed into my bad habits again.  I’ve been watching stroller review videos online and browsing photos of people’s well-designed nurseries.  I’ve been obsessively googling my next IVF protocol.  I know I need to be doing things that nourish me more right now.  Gotta step it up.

Ok, so here are the goals.  I need to be meditating at least once, if not twice a day.  I need to spend a little time daily stretching or doing yoga.  It’d be great if I could put on music and just dance around the house a little.  I need to be creating things.

There’s a project in that book, “Positivity” that might be helpful right now.  You’re supposed to create a kind of portfolio – some collection of images, quotes, memories, and thoughts – focusing on a positive emotion (I was going to do “joy”).  I guess the act of creating this portfolio (either an art piece, collection of scraps in a box, or a powerpoint presentation – whatever) helps you focus on things that elicit the positive emotion for you.  Then, whenever you visit the finished creation, you can bring the emotion up.  Maybe I’ll start that today.

I just learned to embroider, and surprisingly find it satisfying.  I’m actually the kind of person to constantly get her thread tangled in intricate knots and then want to fling everything across the room while swearing like a sailor.  But I’m working on my patience, and slowly becoming a little better.  Yesterday I started a little sampler that has a quote from Winnie the Pooh on it:  “You are braver than you believe.”  I’m trying really hard to rally…

– Patience