A couple of small victories:

My husband is such a serious snorer that I’ve considered buying stock in these silicone earplug thingies I’ve been buying ever since we started dating.  It’s not just regular, mellow snoring.  It’s powerful, resonant, varied, walrus-like snoring.  Just a couple of nights ago, though, he slept propped up on pillows (because I’ve given him a really awful cold).  Eureka!  Complete silence!  What kind of morons are we that it took 5 years to figure that out!?  I can’t tell you how that’s improved my quality of life.

Also, I’m finally feeling myself again after a pretty long stretch.  First, I got that awful chest cold I gave my husband, followed closely by an endometrial biopsy, then my pity party after my last disappointing RE appointment (huge delay to my cycle and no informative results after our exhaustive battery of tests). Uncontrollable coughing and phlegm, spotting from the biopsy, and the sluggishness from all my depression-driven ice cream and pizza consumption – well, let’s just say they didn’t add up to my feeling too attractive.  I’m finally, after weeks and weeks, feeling like I might be able to have – or want – a sex life again.  Whoo hoo!

So, back on topic – a couple more things I’ve been working on:

Dispute your negative thoughts.

In the “Positivity” book, there’s an exercise where you write your habitual negative thoughts on index cards, shuffle them, and then really argue against them in depth on the back.  I had no problem thinking of the negative thoughts that plague me:  My body is defective, my eggs are screwed up, infertility is taking over my life, and the motherlode – I’m not going to be able to have my own biological child.  Any of these sound familiar?  So, I wrote them down and took a break.  I was having a hard time bringing myself to argue with them, because so much of me BELIEVES in them.  Then, I thought that what I needed to do was pretend that a friend was saying those things to me.  What would I say to her?  It’s unlikely that I’d say, “Yeah, you’re body’s all fucked up.  Your eggs are probably just too old.  So, have you guys discussed adoption?”  I made myself sit down and write what I’d tell that friend, even if a lot of me didn’t quite buy what I was writing.  Those thoughts and beliefs are pretty damn entrenched.  I just didn’t worry about the fact that I only half believed what I was arguing.  But the surprising thing is, it is giving me comfort to reread those arguments.  I didn’t think it would.

Learn and exercise your strengths.

Fredrickson directs you to a site:  www.authentichappiness.com (sounds cheesy, I know).  It’s a site for another researcher, though, not a psychic, so don’t worry.  They have a free test on there – it’s long, about 230 questions – that can help you figure out what your 5 main personality strengths are.  Other than it being kind of fun, I didn’t quite see what I would get out of it.  I took the test, though, and what’s surprising is that it’s really sticking with me.  Through all this infertility hell for the last few years, I’ve pretty much lost track of what’s good about me and what I’m good at.  It’s all been about what I can’t do and am not doing well enough – I’m not dealing with the IVF stress as well as I should, I can’t get pregnant, my eggs are no good, I’m not as courageous about physical pain as other women seem to be, I can’t seem to muster enough passion and mental energy for my work anymore.  It was surprisingly refreshing to get in touch with my strengths again and to remember the good things about me.  Those results keep popping in my head as I do other things, which is really nice for a change.

– Patience

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